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Another Part of the Equation

I saw a company that provides "solutions for lawns and shrubs" the other day, which is interesting, because my company provides "questions for lawns and shrubs."

Let's Leave the Drawing Board Out of This

Generally I try not to go back to the drawing board, because whenever I do, it just reminds me that I don't know how to draw.

Banana Temporary Cell Phone Implant

These are the kind of business ideas I come up with: an implant that you can plug into a banana so you can talk on it like a cell phone (until the banana starts to rot and you have to keep it away from your head for health reasons). I thought this up and then had the following conversation with myself:

"Yeah, if I saw a Banana Temporary Cell Phone Implant for sale online for $30, I might buy it."

"But in what context would you use the Banana Temporary Cell Phone Implant?"

"I don't know, maybe in the grocery store, to weird out the other customers."

"You would purchase something for $30 so that you could talk into a piece of fruit while you were in Publix?" 

"Yes."

Does Anybody Remember the Hippocratic Oath?

I started an organization like Doctors Without Borders. We are called Doctors Without Licenses. Just like Doctors Without Borders believes in the right of all human beings to receive medical care, I believe in the right of all human beings to provide medical care. This pertains especially to people who are severely mentally disabled and/or psychotic, and who therefore discriminatorily get rejected from medical schools, most commonly due to failure to turn in application papers, a failure often related to disinterest in the medical profession caused by an overwhelming sense of confusion or rage toward everything. Donate $1000 or more to Doctors Without Licenses now and receive a free laparoscopic cholecystectomy, whatever that is.

Funkier, More Colorful Sales Presentations

An important tactic for salespeople to use to increase effectiveness is to open your sales presentation by comparing the product or service to prison rape, and then go on to explain that what you are offering is funkier and more colorful. Examples: "Good afternoon, and thank you for coming to the open house. This seaside bungalow is not only reasonably priced, but it's also like prison rape, except funkier and more colorful. Please come in, shut the door, and let me show you around." Or, "Welcome to Blue Cross Blue Shield. This insurance policy is not only great protection, but it's also like prison rape, except funkier and more colorful. As always, I will need samples of your blood, stool, and urine for coverage to take effect. Please sign this waiver." It is always helpful later during your presentation to remind the prospective customer of the prison rape comparison. You can do this with the words, "With regards to the layout of the master bedroom, remember what I was saying about prison rape?" or, "Hm, aside from its extreme funkiness and colorfulness, part 16 of this major medical policy sure reminds me of something -- can you remember what?"

Hallelujah, it's a Flomax Revival!

I am known in the spiritual community as the Flomax of itinerant preachers. Though my sermons somehow serve miraculously to improve urination in men with benign prostatic hyperplasia (whodathunkit?), be aware of the many unfortunately Satanic side effects, including abnormal ejaculation, back pain, chest pain, cough, diarrhea, dizziness, headache, infection, nausea, runny nose, sinus problems, sleepiness, sore throat, weakness and becoming a Mormon, the first and last of which occur to a sizable portion of my congregants.

Gay Child Support Clarification

I am not attracted to men, so I don't date them, unless they have a good car and a good job, and a good enough job where if we got a gay divorce, and if custody of our gay love child went to me, he could pay child support, if that is something that legally applies to gay divorce situations, which is something that I have not looked into, because I am not attracted to men.

Early Draft of Declaration of Independence Discovered

Early Monday morning, futurist researchers exhumed Nostradamus' body and found what onsite historians agree is an early draft of the Declaration of Independence stuffed inside his skull. The draft is identical to the final document except for one sentence, which in the Nostradamus Skull Version (NSV) appears as this: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, and that a legion of gay Jewish Scientologist aliens is controlling our media and manipulating our children through video games, marketing, and other forms of mass mind control into preparation for an intergalactic and apocalyptic battle to occur in 2012." This of course proves genius social critic Bill O'Reilly's basic theories on the development of human society correct.

Full-Service Death Panel

I run Florida's only full-service death panel. The death panel includes me, Sarah Palin, Chuck Norris, Dennis Miller, and the head of the local chapter of the Aryan Union where the person died. The Republican National Committee is trying to shut us down, because Republicanism itself is a death panel run by corporations and the wealthy, and they see us as competition.

Stand Up For War by Laughing and Punching

Listen, hippies: The men and women of the military industrial complex have mouths to feed too. I know when Eisenhower said in his Presidential farewell speech that we must guard against unwarranted influence by the military-industrial complex, it sounded reasonable; but do you realize that Eisenhower is dead? Dead people are stupid. When you die, your brain shuts down. That is why when someone says some quote from a historical figure or anything about the past, I just have to laugh; and generally I laugh while punching the person in the face. Have you considered punching a person in the face while laughing? As you can imagine, it helps to release tension and relaxes the muscles of your face and throat, creating a more resonant and balanced laugh.