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Advice on Physical Relationship to Oneself

In life, you don't want to get ahead of yourself.  Just as important, you never want to get behind yourself.  Try to avoid getting beside yourself.  Take advantage of every opportunity to get into the same location as you are.

"Vajayjay" cleared for journalistic use

This is a direct quote from an article on page 9 of Friday's TBT (the St. Petersburg Times' daily for people who either have ADD or do not have 50 cents for the real newspaper): "A tale of the hen and the 2 beavers  There is a chicken in Ocala with two vajayjays[.]"  First I will mention a couple of things that I learned from that quote, and then I will make two observations.  First thing I learned: There is a chicken a couple hours away from where I live that has two vaginas.  I am not exactly sure where to file this information in my brain.  I guess I will put it under the category, "animals with multiple genitalia," although that category is becoming cluttered and overused.  Second thing I learned: "Vajayjay” has been effectively cleared for journalistic use, at least in some contexts.  So now if the news media comes to a bird watching event that I am holding, and the reporter asks me, "What's your favorite kind of bird that you don't feel like you see often enough?" I could feel comfortable responding, "The vajayjay.  It's a close cousin of the blue jay," and know that I was being insincere but not necessarily unprintable.  First observation: I have prominently mentioned genitals twice in my blog today.  It appears that genitals could be a writing crutch of mine.  I will keep tabs on this issue in the future.  Second observation: If a creature with double genitalia had been discovered in Haiti this week, I don't think any newspapers would've picked up the story.

Black Joke by Charlie Crist's Barber

Florida Governor Charlie Crist's barber just told a black joke to everyone when I was in his shop.  The barbershop is called Northwest Pyramid, and it is located next to Ringside Café on 4th Street.  Charlie Crist's longtime barber is Carl Troup of Northwest Pyramid. He told this joke, which is paraphrased here: Two black guys are talking, and one says to the other one, "When you are making love to a white woman, does it make your eyes hurt?" And the other one says, "Yeah, I think it's from all the Mace." This is a guy who Charlie Crist invited to his wedding and whose business he has promoted (and the St. Petersburg Times for one has been dutiful in reporting about their relationship).  He gave me a great haircut for $10, and I tipped him $3.  I have a response joke: Two racist barbers are talking, and one says to the other one, "When you're making love to a woman, does it make your penis hurt?"  And the other one says, "Yeah, I think it's from lack of natural lubrication due to female repugnance toward my vast insecurities."

A Few Simple Requests

Get out of my dreams, get into my car, then get back into my dreams, then get in my sailboat, then hold me at gunpoint and take us to Mexico.

Do We Have a Misunderstanding?

What part of, "What part of," do you not understand to precede what I'm about to say?

My Wave Expertise

For a living, I am a Wave consultant for sports crowds. I help crowds build the Wave; I help them sustain the Wave; and I also help them suddenly stop the Wave if something important happens in the game that requires non-Wave behavior.

Cancer Coupons

I've got an amazing marketing idea. They should put a one-dollar-off coupon for cancer medication on packs of cigarettes. As you smoke your whole life, you can save them up; and then when you get lung cancer, all your medication is free.