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Respecting a Sandwich's Boundaries

I’ve been eating the same Subway sandwich for the last seven years. It regenerates like a starfish.

Supposedly I can never eat more than half, or it will stop regenerating. I don't know though. All I have to go off of is when I'm about a third of the way through the sandwich, I hear a delicate whisper from nowhere in particular saying, "Okay, that's enough. This is an amazing sandwich, true, but you've got to respect it's boundaries."

Part of me (the hungry part) wants to tell that whisper to go fuck itself.

["No more than half" concept courtesy of Derek Ohlms.]

Insult Outlines: Make One, or F*** Off

We tend to get so flustered when we're insulting someone, it's hard to tell what the right thing to say it is. Should we tell them to eat it, suck it, bite it, kiss it, lick it, or have sexual intercourse with it? And what do we want them to eat, suck, bite, kiss, lick, or engage in intercourse with? Our buttocks, our genitals, excrement, or themselves? Do we want them to do it here, or do we want them to go somewhere else and do it?

I find it is helpful to create an outline of what kinds of insults work for what situations. The reason why it is important to create an insult outline is that it makes it a lot easier to create a file folder system containing the following: diagrams; sample interactions; future insult strategies and schedules; and detailed descriptions of the behavior of not just enemies, but also friends and family members, total strangers, and neutral acquaintances; to better guide insult-driven interactions.

Oh, and one other thing: bite my ass.

One Family Size Bucket of Drumsticks, Please

I saw an advertisement for a restaurant the other day that was a little offensive.  It listed off the restaurant's offerings as follows:

Sandwiches

Subs

Soups

Daily Lunch Specials

Catering

Free Delivery

Suck Your Dick for $5*

* Free with a family size bucket of drumsticks.

Hand Washing Gray Areas

I love businesses where they have a sign that says, "Employees must wash hands before leaving bathroom." It doesn't specify that the employees must wash their own hands. All they have to do is wash any old hands:

"Excuse me, sir, I've got to watch some hands before I leave the bathroom. If you'd just put them in the sink there, I'd appreciate it. Company policy."

Wear and Tear in the Animal Kingdom

The idea of owning a pet is really funny. I saw an advertisement for, "certified pre-owned dogs." The parallel to that would be pre-owned vehicles, which of course used to be called "used." So those pets could just as easily be called "used pets." I've always thought instead of calling used cars "pre-owned," we could call them "pre-depreciated" or "pre-worn and torn." "Pre-depreciated, pre-worn and torn dogs" -- that's what my advertisement will say.

Mike Tyson: a Misunderstood Child-Eater

Back in the day, Mike Tyson was getting ready to fight Evander Holyfield, and during a pre-fight interview, he yelled about how he wanted to eat Evander's children. "I'm going to eat your children!" First of all, that's not really believable -- I think it would have been more disturbing if he instead said he wanted to lick Evander's children. Second of all, what he really meant was not that absurd image of him eating the children with a knife and fork-- obviously that's completely insane. He wanted to eat Evander Holyfield's baby batter by sucking it out of his genitals as if through a straw: "Mmm, good children."

Masking Our True Intentions

A sales pitch I've always wanted to make is to walk into a room with a ski mask on, and shout, "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY... in exchange for this high quality, cost-effective, and time-saving product," as I pull an intricate, multi-function kitchen gadget out of my back pocket. It's just the kind of bait-and-switch we have all been waiting for: one in which potential customers realize they are not in imminent danger (bait), but instead have an amazing opportunity (switch) to bring to food preparation in their very own kitchen a level of ease and sophistication previously only accessible to high-end chefs and the fabulously wealthy-- for a limited time, because somebody probably called the cops, and if history is any indication, they are bound to confiscate all this product I have in my duffel bag.

Hospital Tattoo Parlors Now

I'm sick of waiting for the Obama administration and these jokers in Congress to fix the health care system.  We need to take immediate action so that all newborns can have a "born-on" date tattooed on their forehead.  As these babies grow up, this would allow us to determine freshness without having to have an awkward conversation; awkward conversations about individual freshness are threatening the foundations of our democracy.  Girls should be tattooed in this manner immediately after the severing of the umbilical cord.  Boys should have it done directly preceding the mutilation of their genitals (after which, of course, they become fully human).

Note to Foreigners: The best way to keep the most sensitive part of the male anatomy clean is to cut it off the body.  Not having had this done is why you and your stick-worshiping friends masturbate so much. 

Computer Prompt Improvements

When my computer prompts me for recognition of some process that's going on in its little computer brain, it does not allow me to answer the question correctly.  Possible answers it provides are typically, "Yes,", "No," and, "Cancel."  I assert that the correct answer is usually either, "Um... whatever," or, "Shit, I don't know."

It's Not Easy Being a Trick Pony

I am a 1 1/2 trick pony. I haven't quite figured out my second trick yet, but I'm working on it.