sillyoldfool.com

"Girl" and "Boy"

It's thought of as kind of sexist to call women girls, but I like referring to women that I am romantically interested in as girls because it just feels kind of cuter. Likewise, I don't mind being called a boy, unless it's a white guy saying it in a derogatory way while I'm wearing blackface.

Joshua Bell in the Washington Subway

A video of classical violinist Joshua Bell, playing Ave Maria. The producer of this video, who also apparently produced videos for Scorpion and Whitesnake, needs to be hogtied and forced to bob for apples by an ogre (with the help of one of the ogre's henchmen) for the rest of eternity.

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=F377F26629B90E0D&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&v=FNt6cYOCYs4&rclk=pt1

Where I Want to Stick It

I don't want to stick it to The Man, but I want to stick it near him -- near enough to him that it makes him uncomfortable.

How to Tell a Woman She's Beautiful

A lot of men don't know this, but speaking to a woman romantically is all about context and temporal orientation.  Always consider where the woman is in her personal development, and seek an intuitive understanding on whether to focus on the past or the future in any comments you make to her.  Here, for instance, are four different ways to express your respect for a woman's beauty:

(pointing toward her past) You must have been a beautiful baby, because baby, look at you now.

(pointing toward her future) You're going to be a beautiful corpse, because baby, look at you now.

(in the distant future, pointing toward her past) You must have been a beautiful fresh corpse, because corpse, look at you now.

(in the distant future, pointing toward the future) You're going to continue to be a beautiful corpse, because corpse, I'm preserving you with expensive chemicals.

The Jiffy Lube of Accident Attorneys

Just as Vapo-Rub is the Alexander Solzhenitsyn of medicated muscle balms and Marlboro Red is the Deepak Chopra of full-flavored cigarettes, I consider myself to be the Jiffy Lube of accident attorneys, but I am best known as the former Genghis Khan of Hula-hoop-related second-grade field day competition contestants and the inventor of the Orville Redenbacher of third-party monitored livestock asphyxiation procedures.

New Twists on an Old Classic

Here are three variations on, "The family that prays together, stays together":

The family that feeds crack habits together, breeds like jackrabbits together.

The family that surgically changes sex together, rearranges chairs on sinking ocean liner decks together.

The family that goes to Ku Klux Klan meetings together, drives around in a van giving Mexicans beatings together.

Yes We Can (Relationship Remix)

About a year ago, I was driving toward the beaches on Central Avenue in St. Petersburg. I noticed a company with a huge inflatable bald eagle, draped with an American flag, and wearing a banner that said, "Yes We Can." I would love to bring that thing along on my next date. Logistics would be important: "Wherever we go, they need to have enormous doors, because I have something really large to show you, with an important message pertaining to our future."

My List Preferences

I find "to do" lists depressing, so I make "done" lists instead.

Somewhere on The Inside

Somewhere on The Inside, a veteran prisoner welcomes a rookie to the fold:

"Now, as your cellmate, I’m going to be showing you the ropes. For starters, we practice the buddy system in this prison. It’s probably a little bit different buddy system than you’re used to."

Every Day is Halloween in Corn Syrup Heaven

Some people will see a punk kid with a mohawk dyed green, and they will say, "What does that kid think, that every day is Halloween?" I don't mind people who think that every day is Halloween. The people who irritate me are the people who think that every day is Flag Day.