I submit these lyrics to the song "Lots of Tools in My Garage," for usage by wedding musicians. It is to be sung in a really sweet voice with tinkling piano in the background. (WARNING: Do not use this song for funerals. It is very inappropriate when the recently deceased are present.)
Lots of Tools in my Garage
I love you so much...
Ain't nobody else can have you
I love you so much...
Anybody else try to get you,
I will mechanically separate their eyeballs
I've got lots of tools in my shed...
To use to perform various forms
Of mechanical eyeball separation
On any stupid motherfuckers
Who try to take your love away from me...
(regal, exuberant, like an anthem)
Because
I love you, I love you
(lots of cymbal crashing)
No one else can have you
Because
I love you, I love you
(cymbal crashing again)
Everyone else will get away from my baby
Or, like I said before,
I will mechanically separate their eyeballs.
What would I do?
I'd get out my machine...
And then what?
I'd plug it into the electrical socket
Next to the outdated audio equipment
That clutters up my work area
And make it difficult for me to think...
And then what?
I'd reach for the nearest corpse
Of a stupid motherfucker...
And then what?
As I've said already three times in this song,
I will mechanically separate its eyeballs.