I have two new business ventures to announce today. Both of them are seeking venture capital.
1. Cash Now Mugging Consultancy:
Many muggers are stricken with emotional and mental problems, scatterbrained by paranoia about the police, and overworked by the activity of mugging. These people may have the potential to be some of the best muggers around, if their business were injected with a more thoughtful, more consistent approach.
Among other things, the Cash Now Mugging Consultancy will teach the mugger the importance of targeting the right people. Not as many people carry cash these days, and drug dealers don't take cash. This creates more muggings as the mugger tries to hit the right person. This is a horribly inefficient business model. I teach the importance of targeting the cash-carrying population. A good place to start is the service industry -- strippers, waiters, and prostitutes.
Stealing money from prostitutes is just the tip of the iceberg of wisdom muggers will get in return for their $3500 investment in CNMC.
2. Prehistoric Aardvark-Looking/Mole-Looking Third Baby Rescue Program
I am currently at my sister's wedding in the Dominican Republic. We went on a boat trip yesterday to a bunch of caves that had ancient carvings on the walls from the natives. The guide, Carlos, showed us some of the animals we might see in the caves. One picture was of a prehistoric aardvark/mole-looking creature that only has two teats, located on its inner thighs. If the creature has three babies, only two will live because of lack of teats. This is unacceptable.
Through my Prehistoric Aardvark-Looking/Mole-Looking Third Baby Rescue Program, we will genetically engineer the creatures so that they have dozens of teats all over their bodies.