sillyoldfool.com

Mugging Consultancy and Prehistoric Baby Rescue Program

I have two new business ventures to announce today. Both of them are seeking venture capital.

1. Cash Now Mugging Consultancy:

Many muggers are stricken with emotional and mental problems, scatterbrained by paranoia about the police, and overworked by the activity of mugging. These people may have the potential to be some of the best muggers around, if their business were injected with a more thoughtful, more consistent approach.

Among other things, the Cash Now Mugging Consultancy will teach the mugger the importance of targeting the right people. Not as many people carry cash these days, and drug dealers don't take cash. This creates more muggings as the mugger tries to hit the right person. This is a horribly inefficient business model. I teach the importance of targeting the cash-carrying population. A good place to start is the service industry -- strippers, waiters, and prostitutes.

Stealing money from prostitutes is just the tip of the iceberg of wisdom muggers will get in return for their $3500 investment in CNMC. 

2. Prehistoric Aardvark-Looking/Mole-Looking Third Baby Rescue Program

I am currently at my sister's wedding in the Dominican Republic. We went on a boat trip yesterday to a bunch of caves that had ancient carvings on the walls from the natives. The guide, Carlos, showed us some of the animals we might see in the caves. One picture was of a prehistoric aardvark/mole-looking creature that only has two teats, located on its inner thighs. If the creature has three babies, only two will live because of lack of teats. This is unacceptable.

Through my Prehistoric Aardvark-Looking/Mole-Looking Third Baby Rescue Program, we will genetically engineer the creatures so that they have dozens of teats all over their bodies.

Advance Hemorrhoid Solutions Like It's 1999

I saw a billboard the other day for "advanced hemorrhoid solutions," which means when you ask that guy what he does for a living, he has to hang his head and say, "I advance hemorrhoid solutions." Or perhaps he says it proudly. Or maybe he created a euphemism for hemorrhoid solution advancement, such as, "I advance gross solutions."

Jonas Brothers Homicide Survey

I'm going to hand out a survey to people listening to a sample of the new Jonas Brothers* CD. This will be the contents of the survey:

How much homicide does listening to this music make you want to perpetrate?

A.) One person.

B.) Two people.

C.) Fire randomly into a crowd.

D.) Fire specifically into a Jonas Brothers concert crowd, aiming at people who look particularly happy.

E.) I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You're going to have to wait until I stop to reload.

* It should probably be mentioned that I've never listened to the Jonas Brothers; I'm just guessing.

The Casual White Supremacist

I think it is really unfair how white supremacists are stereotyped in our society. If we were to believe the liberal mainstream media, we might start to believe that all white supremacists are uptight and angry. The truth is that many white supremacists are very casual, laid-back people.

They will just walk into a group of people, dish out some high fives, and say, "Hey, what's up, white power," with a look of serenity in their eyes.

This is important, because many racial Darwinists believe that it is the Soft Campaign for Aryan Total Control, not the rage-filled protests but rather the casual high-fiving at parties, that will be the deciding factor in clearing the American melting pot of its non-white impurities.

Thank you for your concern, dudes, white power.

Lots of Tools in my Garage

I submit these lyrics to the song "Lots of Tools in My Garage," for usage by wedding musicians. It is to be sung in a really sweet voice with tinkling piano in the background. (WARNING: Do not use this song for funerals. It is very inappropriate when the recently deceased are present.)

Lots of Tools in my Garage

I love you so much...

Ain't nobody else can have you

I love you so much...

Anybody else try to get you,

I will mechanically separate their eyeballs

I've got lots of tools in my shed...

To use to perform various forms

Of mechanical eyeball separation

On any stupid motherfuckers

Who try to take your love away from me...

(regal, exuberant, like an anthem)

Because

I love you, I love you

(lots of cymbal crashing)

No one else can have you

Because

I love you, I love you

(cymbal crashing again)

Everyone else will get away from my baby

Or, like I said before,

I will mechanically separate their eyeballs.

 

What would I do?

I'd get out my machine...

And then what?

I'd plug it into the electrical socket

Next to the outdated audio equipment

That clutters up my work area

And make it difficult for me to think...

And then what?

I'd reach for the nearest corpse

Of a stupid motherfucker...

And then what?

As I've said already three times in this song,

I will mechanically separate its eyeballs.