sillyoldfool.com

Lazy Eye for the Straight Guy

The worst business decision I ever made was producing a spinoff show of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy called Queer Eye for Chicks With Dicks. The show was clearly approximately 250 years ahead of its time.

Special Advertising Supplement to Sillyoldfool

Come join me at my sales conference, The Wellspring of Bullshit Happening. You will learn important sales tools, such as the following: Though it is difficult to sell ice to Eskimos, it is becoming easier every year, due to global warming. It is estimated that by 2020, over 50% of Eskimos will be regularly buying ice. Hint, hint -- developing niche market!

An Answer to Whether or Not You Should Make That Guy Angry

The last thing you want to do is make that guy angry. That's also the first thing you want to do, and what you want to do throughout your interactions with him. Keep that guy angry at all times.

Creditworthiness of America's Homeless Population

A topic that is too often ignored is the financial outlook of the homeless population in the United States.

Most homeless people have terrible credit -- way, way below 700.  Generally, their credit is a negative number, or at best a fraction.

Here is a typical interaction between a homeless person and a lender:

"What's your credit score?"

"57-hundredths."

"You qualify to borrow a quarter from me at 3000% five-minute interest."

"Hm. I think I'm going to shop around for better rates."

"Okay, but this offer may not still be on the table."

"I'll take my chances."

"You sound like a man who doesn't want a quarter."

"Fine, give me the damn thing."

"Great. Just sign this contract. Okay, fantastic. As I'm sure you must have noticed in the fine print, I will hold all of your personal belongings as collateral.  I will start burning them in five minutes.  We will incinerate one personal item every five minutes unless a minimum payment of a quarter is made during that same time period until the loan is paid off in full. I will go ahead and douse all of the items with lighter fluid in preparation."

"Is this what they call 'predatory lending'?"

"The clock is ticking, prey."

Why Am I Late?

YouTube Contest to Sell a Brick

The Best Part About Being a Middle Manager is the Women

	Cake - The Distance .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

I would say I have a trophy wife, but that's not really accurate. She's more of a plaque wife.

Cupid, Please Occasionally Aim at Reasonable Targets

That song lyric, "Lookin' for love in all the wrong places," popped into my head the other day.

I thought, "I hope that only 99% of the places that I'm looking for love are wrong."

Excerpt From a First Date

"Another thing you should know about me is that in a few months, I am starting an untitled, avant-garde theater-of-life piece in which I repeatedly crap my pants in public. Cool right? I'm an idea guy."

American Jockstrap Disassociation

	fleetwood mac - don't stop .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

 

I see the license plate that says, "Support Law Enforcement," and I am reminded of the license plate I designed for the American Jockstrap Association: "Support Male Genitalia."

Clearly, there's a big difference between what my promotional material is supporting and what the law-enforcement plate is supporting. While the two plates agree on the imperative, and the transitive function of "support" (and these are substantial agreements), we disagree or at least choose a different focus regarding the predicate complement, the law enforcement people choosing of course "law enforcement," and me, a huge supporter of especially scrotums, choosing "male genitalia."

Since both the law enforcement people and I are requesting the same action for different purposes, it is only fair to consider which cause is more important. When I put enforcement and genitalia up side-by-side, the answer is obvious. Enforcement.

With the help of enforcement, support does not exist in a vacuum; it becomes a part of a symbiotic relationship. Support enforcement, and then in turn, support can be enforced. 

In order for this process to work correctly, we need to write male genitalia support into law. In order for that to happen, all we need is a phone bank and a little bit of passion. Let's do this.